Becoming a nun: An introduction

This Saturday, I will take my first steps on a journey I’ve been wanting to take since I was 18. It all began on a pilgrimage trip to Gaden Monastery in 2004, when I was on my gap year and I visited a nunnery and did not want to leave. There was something about the nunnery that made me feel extremely comfortable, like everything there was normal and familiar. So I messaged my mum telling her my plans, and she asked me to request for permission from Rinpoche. Rinpoche asked me to complete my education first before considering ordination. Rinpoche said as a degree holder, my words would carry more weight when I give teachings in the future, that people would not just dismiss them as the words of a nun who had not “lived life”. In the world we live in, Rinpoche said, people value qualifications like degrees so in order to help others, I would have to do my best to attract them first. I followed Rinpoche’s instructions and returned to Malaysia; a few months later, Rinpoche consulted another monk just to confirm for me that I had made the right decision.

It’s been a decade since I made that wish and I’ve never forgotten it. Along the way, I’ve done all of the things society expected me to do – get a job, have a serious relationship, hang out with my friends, travel, eat good food and the like. It’s all been well and good but at the back of my mind (and at the forefront of it, some of the time!), I always knew all of that wasn’t going to get anywhere. I knew my job wouldn’t make me happy, I knew my relationship would end some day either voluntarily through a break-up or forcibly at death, I knew I didn’t want to have kids, I knew my friends would come and go, I knew the places I travelled to would just become memories, and I knew the good food would be…well, pooped out the following day.

Temporary gratification for no ultimate rewards. That was not enough to make me happy.

I’m not trying to portray myself as someone holy, as someone who was born to do this. Perhaps I was, perhaps I wasn’t but it doesn’t matter what you did or who you were in your past lives if you’re not going to make the right decisions now. So like many other people will experience, my journey to this point has certainly not been worry-free.

Over the last few weeks, since the first two photos above were taken, I’ve had reservations about becoming ordained and they are for reasons you would not imagine. At first, I had all of the usual thoughts – am I ready for this? Can I hold the vows? Will I be able to handle the criticism and negative remarks made about my nunhood? Will I let down our lineage which is very precious to me? Will I disappoint my teacher? You see, unlike in the Theravadan tradition, there is no such thing as temporary sanghahood in the Tibetan tradition. Once you’ve got the vows, you’ve got them for life, no and’s, if’s or but’s. You don’t put on the robes then take them off when you feel like it; once you commit to your practice, you commit to your practice and go all the way with it.

I have spent the last few weeks beating down my reservations with logic. I went back to the teachings Rinpoche has given me throughout the years, and relied on Rinpoche as my voice of reason. I knew that whatever doubts arose in my mind were my obstacles coming to stop me, that ultimately I did want to become a nun and that all of the noise in my head was just that – unnecessary chatter manifesting from my negative karma, to distract me from my goal. Of course I would find holding my vows difficult, of course I would slip at times…how could I not after lifetimes of accumulating bad habits?

But was I about to let the fear of slipping stop me from trying at all? Why not actually try to NOT slip? What would be so scary about trying to not slip? Why was I being so stupid as to think that following the vows would harm me in any way, shape or form?

My last final worry was truly the most silly – what if I look stupid in my robes and what if I look stupid with a bald head? When Rinpoche sent me the photo below, instantly my questions were put to rest. It is of Bollywood actress Barkha Madan, a gorgeous woman who made a living from the way she looks, who just received her ordination vows in Sera Je Monastery, one of Tibetan Buddhism’s three great pillars.

Who are you, Elena compared to this beautiful woman who became famous for her face, but then realised that there’s more to life than the way you look? And seriously, was I about to let something as insignificant as my HAIR stop me becoming enlightened? Was I ACTUALLY willing to give up happiness for myself and all sentient beings, for the sake of my hair?! For the perceived “freedom” of being able to wear whatever I want?

My god Elena, you are so stupid sometimes.

So I’m looking forward to this Saturday. Yes, maybe I’ll look strange in my white robes, a little like an orderly from a mental institution. Yes, I will get stares and people will ask me why I’m dressed like that. You know what? Stare away because I’ll be wearing my robes with pride and better yet, ask me why because I’ll be happy to tell you. I’ll be happy to tell you that as someone who could’ve done anything I wanted, I chose to become a nun because everything I thought I ever wanted will never make me happy anyway and that ultimately, nothing is more important to me than happiness for myself and for them.

When I turn 27 tomorrow, I will wake up and remember that this will be the best birthday present I have ever received – the opportunity from my lama to finally become happy.

Becoming a Nun