A comment on "I Want My Pain to Last...Forever"

Li Kim’s debate between the Ego and Wisdom made me chuckle. I have had my fair share of such conversations after painful relationships. Over time, the conversations got shorter and the pain healed more quickly, but it did not mean the endings still did not suck. But articles like these are good for self-reflection on the part we play in the failure of our relationships.

Blog post:

http://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/guest-contributors/i-want-my-pain-to-last%E2%80%A6forever.html
 

Comment:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic Li Kim 🙂

One of the best quotes I have read about relationships is that no relationship should “complete” you. It shouldn’t be two halves coming together to make a whole, but two wholes coming together to make something even better. The relationship should *complement* your personality and goals, and not “complete” them.

Why would people who feel they are not complete and that parts of them are missing, think it is healthy to join with another person who similarly has missing qualities about themselves?

To say a relationship “completes” you is to me a Hollywood-fueled notion of romanticism that is cliched, unrealistic and full of expectation, and it is expectation and lack of communication that kills any relationship.

You expect the other person to behave in a certain way, to react in a certain way, to say and do certain things according to your perception of the world. When these expectations are not met, or are not communicated clearly, we get upset and then trouble arises in the relationship. I mean, just think back to all of the fights you have had with your friends, partner and loved ones. This applies to any kind of relationship, whether romantic or platonic.

When we come together to form any kind of relationship, the combination of two minds, two sets of effort, two sets of resources, etc. has the potential to propel people’s self-improvement. After all, with the amount of effort we will have to invest into the relationship, the least we can do is get something positive out of it!

But if a relationship “completes” you, it means you had to change something about yourself to accommodate the relationship. It means your original pre-relationship state was flawed / damaged; how is it a good idea that two damaged people come together? Why not ‘fix’ yourself first before joining together with someone else or with other people?

So on the topic of change, as Li Kim said, there is a danger when people get into relationships, that they change themselves to accommodate the other person and, in the process, forget themselves. But a person who truly cares for you will never allow you to do that, but instead encourage you to be the best version of who you are. So when people tell you you have changed, actually you haven’t…it just means you have stopped living life their way.

Reflections and Teachings